http://thoughtfog.com/ Recently posted entries on ThoughtFog en-us Tue, 10 Jun 2003 04:00:00 GMT Tue, 10 Jun 2003 09:41:01 GMT http://thoughtfog.com/rss ThoughtFogger 0.5 editor@thoughtfog.com editor@thoughtfog.com http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=A3CFAB2DE9D0F82BF626895B7CD677EB http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=A3CFAB2DE9D0F82BF626895B7CD677EB This is the first post to ThoughtFog. We built this place hoping that we could provide a service to the Internet community. Let's roll..



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http://www.everydayweekender.com Sun, 26 Aug 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=D1FD38909A2EA76025E8A4DF59CC7F52 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=D1FD38909A2EA76025E8A4DF59CC7F52 kkkkkkk Fri, 31 Aug 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=066EF0B10C204786572CE3653B56CC1A http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=066EF0B10C204786572CE3653B56CC1A I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I'm not writing this rant or whatever you'd call it to anyone in particular; rather, to anyone who takes the time to read it.
I don't see why you should.
But anyway, here goes.
I'm sick of my life. I'm not sick of it as in, "Waa, I don't have this or that", or anything so trivial - I'm sick of no fulfillment. I don't know what to do about it. I'm sick of waking up with no purpose. I'm sick of waking up in a world that's full of chaos and conflict and corruption, odds against you so much that it's basically impossible nowadays to be anything but middle class or lower...at least, with the given basic toolset you start out with.
I don't even think I started out with that basic toolset intact.
I started out with above-average grammar ability. Horrible math skills, however.
So, basically, I'm a smart bullshit artist that can't multiply 2x2 in his head.
It's rather irritating.
Right now, I have no job. I rely on others and their opinions of me to get me through the day, along with a few simple creature comforts - stupid ones, at that.
I go nowhere.
When I do, I never really get to enjoy it - I'm not entirely sure if that's my state of mind, or whether or not I'm just not supposed to. I think it's because for the most part, I hate people. I hate how horribly bigoted they are, I hate how corrupted and ugly people en masse are. And the worst part is, I know that it's kinda me, too.
I suppose you could say that this is the rawest, most transparent way of exposing myself. I'm trying. I need to get these things out; I don't really know what to say though. I'm doing the best I can, just rattling off different feelings - and I'm not even sure if a lot of this is intelligible, if it makes sense to anyone else but me...I honestly wonder if I'm not slightly mad.
Sometimes, I think there's something wrong with me. Chemically. That is, manic-depressive, or bipolar, or whatever it's called. I'm up, then I'm down. And when I'm down, oh my GOD am I down. Right now, I'm pretty much like on the verge of it. It's absolutely terrible. I can go from feeling great, strong, happy, just generally in a good state of mind...to being completely shit. And all my thoughts seem to go that direction without pause anyway. I mean, it's hard enough to be happy with all this shit going on.
Sure. I have a girlfriend who loves me. But do I *really* love her? I think I do, but I feel horrible for having to ask that question of myself...every day, every time I look at her, or even myself in the mirror...eventually, at least one point in the day, that thought comes up. And I know she loves me; she pretty much worships me. What is a person supposed to do when confronted with such a thing?
I feel weak today.
I feel...extremely weak. Not so much in body, but in mind. I feel terrible, mentally. And I'm not entirely sure how to get it out. This is helping a little bit, but I feel like I need to just talk to someone. For hours. But I'm not even entirely sure what I would say, how I would say it, or if I just got everything off my chest, if the person would just go running out of the room or call the guys in the white coats on me.
I've done horrible things in my life. Horrible, terrible, abhorred things. Things that would make a "normal" person of decent values cringe in horror and just think "Oh my God, what the FUCK is wrong with you?!"...I don't really know how to deal with that. It doesn't really make me feel horrible - but at the same time, that also makes me question my sanity - even though sanity and insanity are merely legal terms, for all intents and purposes, it works here.
If Heaven exists (which I'm 99% sure it does) I don't think I'm going there for some reason. For some reason, I feel cursed. As if things are supposed to go wrong in my life due to some fucked up thing in the universe, perhaps something I've done in a past life, or even just past karma from this life coming back to bite me in the ass. Both cheeks at the same time. It just seems as if things don't go together right. And if they don't go together right in the process, how can the whole thing come together right at the end? I guess I can only keep faith and hope. But really, I don't think I deserve it.
Honestly, I believe that I should be cast down.
I can't even explain *that* part. Except I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel like I should be here.
This isn't emo. This isn't a cry for attention - this is merely the ranting and raving of someone who is desperate to get something out of his head - whatever it is that's bugging me right now, maybe I'll trigger it somehow and it'll just come out onto this wordprocessor document...or maybe not. I can only hope.
So, what else?
Well, I'm sick of my addiction to cigarettes. I know I'm damaging my lungs. However, I enjoy the taste. Which makes me a stupid fuck, I know. But maybe it's a masochistic tendency or something.
I like to think that I have things on the ball, but I'm not sure whether I do or not. I guess I'm indecisive. The things I like to think I'm good at, there's always someone that has to come in and just make me look like shit - I try to do something else, and it works okay for me, but when it seems to actually matter - like when someone else wants something done, I always have to fuck it up.
I haven't really done a lot of things right in this life, whether I wanted to or not.
I try to have good morals - I try not to lie, I try not to steal, I try not to say "God Damn" or curse around little kids - and yet, I'm a hipocrate in some of the worst ways, corrupting even my own morals. I look at other people I consider to be worse, and then I think, "Are they really worse?"
I look at myself and I don't know what I'm looking at. I look into the mirror, into my eyes, and I just see blackness - I don't know what I am.
I don't know.
I don't even think I have much of an identity, except my attitude and sense of humour, which most people don't really find that great anyway. Should I really care? Probably not, and I try not to, I normally try not to give a flying fuck about what other people (except those I love, care about) say, but it's hard sometimes. Perhaps it's easier or harder for other people, I'm not sure.
But I wish I were one of the stronger people.
I've always wanted to be a machine - an artificial being, if you will.
Metal.
No feeling.
No potential for pain.
No real potential for causing pain, without some sort of intervention from a malicious being/software bug/virus/etc.
No "human" weaknesses. This sounds strange, I know. But I'm just sick of the limitations of this mind, this body. I want more in this life.
I want to be happy.
I don't know HOW to be happy though.
I can smile...but the smile fades shortly. And then, I'm just the way I was before that.
Three pages now. This is fun.
Well, not really, and I don't really feel better, but it's something to do.
That's another thing, I'm sick of nothing to do, it's killing me. But I don't even know what to do anymore. Something productive? Will anyone care? Will it benefit anyone? I'm not sure.
Something destructive? What to destroy? Again, will anyone care? Will I even care? Sure, it might be fun for a little while. But then again, there are consequenses.
Karma.
Things are so conflicting
I just can't even think clearly anymore.
I feel like writing something else, but what?
I don't really know how to describe anything else that I'm feeling right now, except perhaps fatigue and worthlessness.
I don't have a job right now; I haven't had a steady job for about four, maybe five months. I've been trying to pull my share around here for that time period, but it's not the same as generating income.
I indulge in herbal delight.
Too much. My head is cloudy, my vision is blurry, I feel tired - but usually, it's the only thing that makes me feel better.
I know it's only a temporary fix.
I know it's not a fix for anything, actually.
I know it makes me weaker. Makes me dependent. I still enjoy it though.
Why do I enjoy things that hurt me? I'm seeming to notice a pattern.
I hope I feel better sometime soon.
But then again, the faster I feel better, the faster I return to this state once again.
I've tried anti-depressants and what people call "happy pills" and other similar things and compounds. I've tried putting myself into different states of mind, tried completely changing my routine around, my cognitive process with everything - it seems useless.
It either makes me feel worse or simply doesn't benefit me at all.
Is it because I'm too negative?
I try to help people before I help myself.
I always thought that was a good thing?
Is it?
The most annoying song is on the radio right now. Damn you, Mannfred Manfrey or whatever the Hell your name is. You can doo-wah-diddy your ass down the street.
Is there a reason for me to be here?
Is there a reason for me to have these conflicts?
Is there even a reason for me to bitch about all this? Are these just normal things that people face every day and just hold a stiff upper lip against?
Or am I just here?
I don't even know where here is.
Here could be somewhere totally different to someone else, even if they were "here".
I'm not tripping, or under the influence of any compound, chemical, or suggestion that isn't already present in the body by nature.
Or am I?
There goes the question again of chemical imbalance. It really does make me wonder if I'm just a whiny bastard, or if there's good reason to wonder at all.
Damn it.
It just goes, and goes, and loops, and loops...
I don't know how much longer I'm going to remain stable - if you can call it that - in this state of being.
This state of mind.
This state of existance, period.
Four pages now, four pages of opinion and deep-digging stuff from the soul.
Is it black?
Is it white?
Is it ugly?
I'm not sure. I don't think I can make an accurate judgement, as there's probably either some positive or negative self-bias there.
I think I was happier before I took psychology, though. Thu, 20 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=63D5B471CA3ADB492F7C83CC8464C70F http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=63D5B471CA3ADB492F7C83CC8464C70F the nature of existence is that to which existence is irrelevant Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=6BB4C12756C1A23761071A25BF6EC425 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=6BB4C12756C1A23761071A25BF6EC425 LICK MY BALLSACK Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=A2A845EFE635A2D9854F3CF6B767470C http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=A2A845EFE635A2D9854F3CF6B767470C i once had balls, but i had ball cancer and now my balls are gone. now when i jack off just blood and this ooey green junk comes out like what the fuck i got no balls and the ladies dont like dudes without balls fuck my life sucks. i work at the at&t kiosk and im a guy with no nuts. fuck. Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=DE6549394AF6A99881D901ECFBF17DF5 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=DE6549394AF6A99881D901ECFBF17DF5 i smoke crack and troll the internet all day and all night and i just happen to have inherited several hundred million dollars which will probably allow me to smoke crack and stay on the internet all day and all night forever Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=FE40896414B70BE63CB1A1976EF1719F http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=FE40896414B70BE63CB1A1976EF1719F google is a monopoly Fri, 19 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=0CB9BFE8AA751915B0EF5164FA568D6C http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=0CB9BFE8AA751915B0EF5164FA568D6C google is a monopoly Fri, 19 Oct 2007 00:00:00 -0400 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=DB1406CAF5B5EE77032CE889A372985B http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=DB1406CAF5B5EE77032CE889A372985B Stalking skeevis. Mon, 10 Dec 2007 00:00:00 -0500 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=2EF63E6281F7CFF45C20905B3093E9E0 http://thoughtfog.com/v?i=2EF63E6281F7CFF45C20905B3093E9E0 In my life, I've been through many things.
Many fucked up things.
I won't bother to try to start a list on here - for many of you will be shocked, offended, disgusted - though you don't even know me. That, and it will simply take too much time.
However, I've also caused much pain in my life, whether or not I wanted to.

Love is a fickle thing, a double-edged sword at best, Hell at worst - and I've simply unleashed Hell on someone.

Two-and-a-half years. I guess it's fucked up that I left her.
It's more fucked up that I left her when I did, instead of doing what I should have done and ending it more quickly - like, after a couple months.

But no. I cared about her. I tried not to care that her family repulsed me, that her apparent apathy towards herself and losing weight seemed to be growing, that I couldn't stand most of her idiotic friends - and I stayed with her.

The sex was always pretty damn good, too.

She never did a fucking thing wrong, really - except for a few really personal items that I choose not to reveal because of respect for her.
She always loved me.
She always cared.
She always tried to do her best to be there for me.

I just couldn't take it anymore. Thoughts of the future, thoughts of the present, everything swirling together to make one big pool of "fuck" in my head.

Now, it's been almost two weeks - and I really don't feel any better. My interests have shifted - but my heart hasn't. I don't know what to do to get over her - or get over the thought that I hurt her so, so badly.

At the very least, I can leave this for her...she will probably never see it, and this is most likely the best thing that can happen - but I feel that if I can't bring myself to speak to her, call her, or even go around her (it was in her words that she once told me, "I can't be JUST FRIENDS with you") - I can at least leave some sort of anonymous acknowledgement of care and respect.

I'm sorry.

Thoughtfog - I'm really, really glad you're here. Because this feels as if it's my only true refuge right now, the only place that I can truly express what I'm feeling - I guess the computer has always been what I would consider a truer extension of my emotions than even my physical self - but...somehow, it just makes it slightly better. I want you, the creator(s?) of Thoughtfog, to know that I think what you are providing here is excellent - and has probably saved a life. I wish you the best, and give my eternal thanks for giving me a place to throw this shit off of my back - you truly are one of the better examples of mankind on the internet today.

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